I have been wanting to post something for a while, but I haven't been sure where to start. I have had so many emotions the past month or so and I am still trying to process everything. As many of you know, Baby Boy went back to his mom at the end of March. It seemed so easy in theory. We knew that he wasn't going to be with us for very long, we knew that he was going back eventually. With that knowledge, it should have been easy to give him back. It truly was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I cannot express the pain and sorrow that I felt and often still feel. Most of the time I am okay, but every once and a while the undeniable aching in my heart creeps up out of nowhere and takes me for a loop. There is not a day that passes that I don't think about him. I think that the hardest thing has been the uncertainty of his future. I am continuely praying for him and his mom. His mom has told us that we are welcome to come and see him when we would like, but I don't think I can do that. It would be too hard. Maybe that sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but for now, I know that my heart can't take it. I hope, for him, that she is able to get her life in order. I am also hopeful that someday our paths with cross again. We are now trying to create our new "normal" without Baby Boy. Even though it was so difficult to give him back, I do not for a minute regret our decision to take him into our home. It's like that saying, "its better to love and lost, then to never love at all."
We have been put back on the active list for Foster Parents, and are eagerly awaiting a new placement. Ryker prays every night for brothers and sisters. We are wanting a child younger than Ryker, preferrably under 3. I would really like a girl, but we will take either. We'll just have to see what happens.
It is amazing how quickly our lives can change. Tomorrow, May 3rd, marks the one year anniversary of Ryker moving to our home. This past year has gone so quickly. I'm excited to see what this next year will bring.
I guess overall, I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven that is mindful of us and our needs. Although it often doesn't make sense, I know that one day it will. Through everything, I have gained a stronger testimony of the Atonement. I know that my Savior knows me; He knows my pains and sorrows. It is a testament of my favorite scripture...
"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."
Mosiah 24:14
I know that there have been countless prayers on our behalf and we truly appreciate them. Love you all!
